Navigating Uncertainty in Life Decisions: My Journey to Letting Go of Perfect Readiness
I was cold, hungry, and grumpy. This wasn’t the mindset I expected to be in when I was proposed to.
My boyfriend, parents, and I were enjoying our final day in Tokyo together after a wonderful Thanksgiving trip. We stood in front of the changing leaves at Shinjuku Gyoen Park, as my boyfriend and I were talking about our trip to Japan on camera.
After 15 minutes of my stomach inverting from hunger, we finally ended the conversation. And then Loren dropped to one knee and proposed to me.
I was COMPLETELY surprised. I hate to admit it, but while I said yes externally, what went through my head was, “I don’t know! We need more conversations! I’m not ready.”
For the next hour, my feelings ping-ponged from elation to confusion. I walked around the park in a stupor, wondering if I was prepared to make this commitment. In moments like this, navigating uncertainty in life decisions felt overwhelming.
In the months leading up to the proposal, I had done a lot of thinking about marriage. I spoke with several friends I deeply respect about their own marriages. I asked them how they knew they were ready. And the honest answer they gave me: they didn’t 100% know. There were never any guarantees. Things never got to that level of perfection. Ultimately, they took a leap of faith.
I found deep comfort in the idea that there would always be a gap to cross. I’ve had a tendency to elevate decisions to the pedestal of perfection. This is my myth of “perfect readiness.” Whether it’s marriage, joining a company, or life in general, I’ve looked for that sense that I am 100% ready. But sometimes it doesn’t come. Navigating uncertainty in life decisions became a recurring theme as I reflected on my journey.
In my thinking about marriage, I also stumbled across this reading from Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person:
"The Romantic view of marriage stresses that the 'right' person means someone who shares our tastes, interests, and general attitudes to life. This might be true in the short term. But, over an extended period of time, the relevance of this fades dramatically, because differences inevitably emerge. The person who is truly best suited to us is not the person who shares our tastes, but the person who can negotiate differences in taste intelligently and wisely. Rather than some notional idea of perfect complementarity, it is the capacity to tolerate difference that is the true marker of the 'right' person. Compatibility is an achievement of love; it shouldn't be its precondition."
This was a turning point in my understanding of my relationship with Loren. We aren’t perfect. He trends towards the avoidant side of the attachment spectrum, where I lean more anxious. Sometimes when I want a hug, he needs space. I used to question the fact that our intuitive ways of relating made us “wrong” for each other.
But reading this, I realized that Loren and I negotiate those differences with grace, honesty, and love. We talk about topics like attraction, power, and fears with an openness that would infuriate most people.
If the only guarantee of marriage is change, then what I need in my partner is the ability to navigate change and uncertainty with love and kindness. Navigating uncertainty in life decisions, especially one as significant as marriage, requires this shared commitment to growth and understanding.
After an hour post-proposal of wandering my thoughts and soul, I remembered these conversations and this passage. In life and love, I’ve made it my path to embrace the mystery of uncertainty. Even if I was with Loren for 10 more years, we would still have no guarantees on whether or not we’ll have a solid marriage.
Once I dropped the myth of perfect readiness and embraced the mystery, I relaxed. I had an emergent sense of the security and love that lies underneath the doubts, fears, and ruminations. I’m still finding myself doing little bounces in my mind, but I feel such assuredness that bouncing is all part of the path. While I may not be perfectly ready, I am ready enough.
Dear friend, where are you holding onto the myth of perfect readiness in your life? (career, marriage, wealth, friendships)
What myths hold you back from taking the next step in your life?
What would you need to believe about yourself to move forward?
Navigating uncertainty in life decisions is never easy, but what if it’s the very thing that makes the journey worthwhile?